Monday, July 5, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
I can't get myself to go away.
I'm sick and tired of these moments of unexplained and uncontrollable anger.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Loving you is all I ever had.
Of course Stripes texts me today. It wasn't even anything major. Or important. Or even necessary, really. I was waiting for my ride so I stood where Stripes normally stands after school. Okay, maybe I did secretly hope to see him. I'm not arguing that. I knew he wasn't going to be there. Seniors didn't have finals today. But then my phone vibrates in my hand and when I read the name, my heart dropped down into my stomach.
"I see you :P"
I looked around. Finally I caught his gaze. He was sitting in the cafeteria for graduation practice. He and I happened to be located in the perfect positions where we could basically see each other and no one else in the opposite rooms. If I hadn't wanted to jump in front of a bus already, I did then.
Here's the thing. I don't want him to text me. I don't want him to think about me. I'm being forced to watch him leave my life as it is. I don't want random reminders of 'hey-guess-what-I-still-exist-but-you-will-never-be-able-to-have-me'. If he has to leave, why can't he just leave completely? I'm not allowed to get over him but I'm not allowed to have him? I'm not allowed to see him but I'm not allowed to be free of him? Well, that's a cruel joke if I've ever saw one.
Not only that, but I'm just sick of him. Sick of the kindness and the smile and the perfection. And the imperfections make him even more perfect to me which is just ridiculous. But these types of things, texting me and telling me that he can see me, texting me and telling me that I still punch like a girl, talking to me in the hallway. I can't take anymore of these little reminders. They hurt like nothing else ever has.
My Fellow Disaster says that I should tell him how I feel. I did that last year. Last day of school. Spiderman was there. I told Stripes that I still liked him. He just smiled that trademarked Stripes smile. It almost seemed smug. Like he knew. And I think he has. I think he's known all along. He knows the power he was. He knows how much of my mind, heart and soul that he actually possesses. He has always known. I'm not sure how. But he has. He can see right through me. And I can see it in his eyes. And most of all, I can see it in his smile. Right after I told him, he smiled, he laughed a little. Like he was expecting me to say it and now that I told him, he just felt relieved to know. He hugged me. I told him I hated him. Another laugh. Then the Stripes smile.
"You could never hate me." He beamed.
Sadly, he was right. But he knew that, too. He knows. I don't think I need to tell him. I almost want to. All these dreams and fantasies and make believe happy endings, they all need some validation, some justification and at least telling him would let me pretend I did all I could. I blame the age difference a lot. Maybe it's accurate. It doesn't matter.
I just don't want him thinking about me. He's not thinking about me the way I'm thinking about him. So. What's the point?
"I see you :P"
I looked around. Finally I caught his gaze. He was sitting in the cafeteria for graduation practice. He and I happened to be located in the perfect positions where we could basically see each other and no one else in the opposite rooms. If I hadn't wanted to jump in front of a bus already, I did then.
Here's the thing. I don't want him to text me. I don't want him to think about me. I'm being forced to watch him leave my life as it is. I don't want random reminders of 'hey-guess-what-I-still-exist-but-you-will-never-be-able-to-have-me'. If he has to leave, why can't he just leave completely? I'm not allowed to get over him but I'm not allowed to have him? I'm not allowed to see him but I'm not allowed to be free of him? Well, that's a cruel joke if I've ever saw one.
Not only that, but I'm just sick of him. Sick of the kindness and the smile and the perfection. And the imperfections make him even more perfect to me which is just ridiculous. But these types of things, texting me and telling me that he can see me, texting me and telling me that I still punch like a girl, talking to me in the hallway. I can't take anymore of these little reminders. They hurt like nothing else ever has.
My Fellow Disaster says that I should tell him how I feel. I did that last year. Last day of school. Spiderman was there. I told Stripes that I still liked him. He just smiled that trademarked Stripes smile. It almost seemed smug. Like he knew. And I think he has. I think he's known all along. He knows the power he was. He knows how much of my mind, heart and soul that he actually possesses. He has always known. I'm not sure how. But he has. He can see right through me. And I can see it in his eyes. And most of all, I can see it in his smile. Right after I told him, he smiled, he laughed a little. Like he was expecting me to say it and now that I told him, he just felt relieved to know. He hugged me. I told him I hated him. Another laugh. Then the Stripes smile.
"You could never hate me." He beamed.
Sadly, he was right. But he knew that, too. He knows. I don't think I need to tell him. I almost want to. All these dreams and fantasies and make believe happy endings, they all need some validation, some justification and at least telling him would let me pretend I did all I could. I blame the age difference a lot. Maybe it's accurate. It doesn't matter.
I just don't want him thinking about me. He's not thinking about me the way I'm thinking about him. So. What's the point?
It's hard when I know I put it all on myself.
I feel like I generally tend to own up to the shit I pull lately. At least with Current Best Friend. I feel like I have to. I'm obligated not to, you know, completely suck in this particular friendship. We'll see how it goes.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Me, myself & I.
"Allow me to take the blame. Everything I did, I did it all by myself. It was just me, myself & I. Couldn't believe the things that I went through because of all my wrong doings. It was me, myself & I. Trying not to worry about a thing but it's hard when I know I put it all on myself. It was me, myself & I. 'Cause all the trouble I got myself in, it was up to me. Couldn't depend on no one but me, myself & I. 'Cause often times I feel like I'm all alone in this world & I don't have no one but me, myself & I." - Akon.
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